I repeat, Show me the Money 0

A windfall that comes your way will allow you to pursue more creative interests in your spare time while still catching up on financial obligations.

These are the 'scopes that drive me crazy. Is EVERY Pisces on the planet getting a windfall today? Even if that windfall is only $1 per Pisces, that's a pretty mighty check for the Universe to be writing. Apparently one it can't cash. I got nothin' today.

Nothin.

How can nothing have a shadow? 0

The wonderful encouragement you now receive just might be hiding something that lurks in the shadows. Don't be too quick when responding to an opportunity. Take your time and move at your own pace.

Well, I guess it's a good thing I didn't get any encouragement, wonderful or otherwise, today. And I'm sorry, Universe, but I'm going to jump on the first opportunity that comes my way like a fat man on a doughnut. What if my "own pace" is quick? Husband always says I'm "Ready, Fire, Aim." But, he also might say, "How's that working out for you?"

Not so great.

I feel like my son in a toy store. He'll pick up a toy off a shelf, "Can I have this?" "No," I say. He picks up another one. "Can I have this?" "No." "Can I have this?" "No." "Can I have this?" "No."

And what's worse is these doors aren't being slammed in my face. I knock on the door of opportunity, show the owner what I've got and they just shake their head with pity in their eyes and slowly shut and lock the door. I'd rather have the slam, at least that's a response.

Enough metaphors. They're not even making sense any more. And neither are my horoscopes. I'm about to give up on you, Universe. Throw me a bone.

Astrological Tantrum 0

Every now and then, you're in the perfect astrological position to make your dreams come true. This is your time. All you have to do is stop searching. Let things unfold as they will. You can't help but find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

OK, Universe, I don't mean to sound doubtful, but the only thing I'm in the perfect position for is another panic attack. And haven't I had this one before? I think I need to go back through my 'scopes and check for repeat offenders.

This Astrology.com daily horoscope is anything but daily. Sure it arrives in my inbox every day; it comes with four different mini-scopes - an overview, love, energy and career, with a date above each for the time period it covers. It's kind of like a horoscope-biorhythm combination. So the date for the 'scope above(Overview) is March 21-August 5. So, again, not trying to be doubtful here, but not really seeing any dreams coming true. In fact, there is a part of me that thinks I need to grow up and give up on my dreams. I'm always a step behind. I just finished a great book - Bitter is the New Black by Jennifer Lancaster - who was not a writer and had no dreams to be one until she was unemployed and started a blog to work her snarky out - and it's not that I don't wish her success, because I do, but one of the reasons I read this book is because a friend told me "Oh my God, she writes just like you!" Then why don't I have a book deal? And there is not a week that goes by without someone asking me if I've voiced one commercial or another. There is a woman out there somewhere who sounds JUST LIKE ME who is making a freakin' fortune.

Have I not worked hard enough? Do I not want it bad enough? Where is the end of MY freakin' rainbow? Seriously, I'm ready. I will be mean and sarcastic, I'll neglect my family, I'll do whatever it takes but all you, Universe, can tell me to do is STOP SEARCHING? Well, I've been trying that too. I've stopped searching so much that I'm practically curled up in a fetal ball. Today I cried so much that I'm still dehydrated.

Now you want me to believe that I'm halfway across the rainbow, that if I wait patiently, without searching, until August 5 that my dreams will come true. Pardon me for needing a little proof. I've always needed feedback. That's why I have a writing PARTNER. I'm tired of being jealous and worried and seeing something shiny and getting all excited that it's my promised pot of gold only to find out that it's...a shiny piece of crap.

Don't promise what you can't deliver, Universe.