Announcement 10

Physical and mental orderliness go hand in hand. Get your stuff organized, and your thoughts become more manageable, too. Tonight, you have an announcement and you deliver it with great style.

When I read the above this morning I was almost mad. I didn't have anything to announce a few days ago and I didn't have anything to announce today. But...getting my stuff organized led me to my announcement. I'll let you judge my delivery.

Purple Heart is coming tomorrow to pick up some stuff. I have a donation bag I keep in the guest bedroom closet and last night Husband went through his closet and added more. I did a little shopping today while Daughter was skating and Son was golfing (see sidebar below) and started cleaning out my closets when I got home. I found some summer clothes I forgot I even owned. Last summer, after being practically immobile for 6 months with a painful herniated disk, I had to go out and buy Fat Summer Clothes. Buying Fat Clothes is hard enough, but it's especially painful when they are Fat Summer Clothes. I've been wearing the Fat Summer Clothes for the last month and today I pulled out all my Cute (i.e. size smaller) Summer Clothes from the closet for the Purple Heart bag. Daughter was sitting in my room and I said "I'm trying these on, but anything that doesn't fit goes!"

They fit.

All of them.

Somehow I have lost weight. I don't know how, I'm not eating any less. I'm trying to walk more but I'm certainly not consistent. I don't know when it happened, but I don't care. Suddenly I have a whole new (old) wardrobe.

Don't worry, I'm not walking around all pleased with my bad self. I still need to get fit. I'm aware that a few weeks of barbecues and margaritas could put me right back in the FSC's, but I'm determined not to get back there. There is nothing like weight loss to spur on a diet!

And yes, I did donate the Fat Summer Clothes.

Sidebar: Son had his second golf class today. When he got in the car I asked him if he liked it. The golfing is OK, but he REALLY likes when they get to pick up the balls with the tube thing. Now, every parent is lying if they tell you that when their kid starts a new sport there isn't just a glimmer of hope that they will be really, really good. My little glimmer was dashed today. I'm not raising the next Tiger Woods, I'm raising the next groundskeeper.

I am a salmon 9

Feel like you're swimming upstream, and getting tired fast? Then stop fighting the tide. Let go, and learn to surf.

That is ALL I've been thinking about. Wasted the entire morning putting video editing software on Daughter's laptop so I can put video on the synchro team web site, only to find that my video camera is not compatible with Vista. I was so frustrated I wanted to cry. I went for a walk instead.

Then Husband told me that he and the kids were going to see WallE, the new Disney movie. Did I want to go? Usually I have so much to do I say no to such things, but I couldn't think of anything I really wanted to work on. Everything has been so frustrating. This evening I updated the team web site with new pics and it is not publishing the site to the web. It feels like everything is against me.

Is this the tide I'm supposed to be surfing? Am I supposed to give up? Or am I supposed to break down and get a new computer or a new camera?

And all this work could all be for naught. There may be no documentary for the web site to supplement. I need to relax. I need to sit back and trust that everything is going to work out.

Oh how I wish I could do that.

I liked the movie. It wasn't laugh-out-loud funny, but it was very good and you could tell that the people who worked on it really thought about it. I appreciate that. Thanks for doing a great job, Pixar People.

Pencils down, everybody 0

It's time to make a choice, and it won't be an easy one. It will, however, be a life-changing one. You'll see the effects of the verdict you announce now in about three months. Keep that in mind as you're weighing up your options and making your decisions.

I'm trying to figure out what decision I'm supposed to be making and I just can't. We went up to my parents' house today for Dad's 65th birthday and Husband went to the Buick Open while the kids and I hung out at the house. It was a nice relaxing day and I really can't figure out what I'm supposed to be announcing.

What are the options I'm weighing? What is this difficult decision? And why don't I even know what it is? I'm starting to feel all panicky, like I'm out of the loop. I feel like I'm going to be forced to suddenly make a decision that I'm not prepared to make.

I think I should have done better homework for today's horoscope. "Um, excuse me, Mr. Universe, but I didn't know there was going to be a quiz today."

And here's a disturbing observation: even when it's a stranger's interpretation of an ancient art or science or quackery from a web site that is just trying to get my money -- I always assume that I am the one who's wrong?

What the hell is that about?

Suddenly, without warning! 9

Uranus turns Retrograde! Expect the Unexpected!

This was the heading of an email (from Astrology.com) in my inbox today. I think it's accurate, the unexpected has been happening. The kids and I drove to my sister's outside of Grand Rapids yesterday so I could talk to girls at her Girl Scout Camp about the fun of writing. When I called home to see if there were any messages, there was one from the talent agency about another audition! This time a TV spot; no lines, but lots of emotion.

When I got home today there was an email waiting from someone I had approached about investing in the documentary - who asked to see the proposal! I'm desperately trying not to count my chickens before they are hatched, but ... 1 chicken! 2 chicken! 3 chicken! 225,000 chickens!

OK, I'm calm now. And I think I did a decent job at the audition today, too. I couldn't get a tear to actually slide down my cheek but was able to well up as my audition "Husband" said his line. Hopefully, the camera was able to catch the dewy, sad glint in my eye.

Of course, I have several friends who will tell me that none of this is "unexpected" at all; that it was simply a matter of time. I think that's the unexpected part - the Universe is very good about making things happen, but in it's own sweet time. It likes to watch you get totally depressed and sure that nothing will ever happen for you again then - SURPRISE! - here's everything you wanted! Hee hee.

Fine, Universe, have it your way. And I'll have it mine.

Hey Moon, do you feel lucky? 10

If you'll focus on the blessings in your life, it will make a disappointment fade and lead you to new peace. Dress in red to access the passionate vibe of the Moon as it cruises through your sign this evening.

Been there, focused on that. I already know I have a rockin' life and no reason to complain. THAT is part of the problem. Why am I always wanting more - do more, have more, be more - when I already have so much? Will I ever reach the point of satisfaction? Does it even exist?

I am pretty psyched, though, because today is the FIRST day that I have actually been wearing the right color that my horoscope wants me to! I'm not sure that I feel so passionate, but perhaps the Moon is still out cruising and isn't sharing its vibes just yet.

I'll just wait patiently while focusing on my blessings.

Voiceover update #1

This morning I recorded the voice over (see June 18 and June 23) for USA Credit Union. Got to Ron Rose promptly at 9 am, only to find the other talent(s) are running late. Traffic. They are consummate voice over professionals; they know everyone and are immediately comfortable AND they have done these spots before. I'm the "guest voice."

All 3 of us go into the booth and they are both gargling and "la la la-ing" to warm up their voices, and I'm just standing there, willing myself to be confident. I did GET this gig after all.

We run through it a couple times, adjust the copy, then record a take. Then... the playback. I try not to break out in a cold sweat. All I can hear are the things I shouldn't have done. Still, no one says anything so I don't either.

It takes nearly an hour then we are done. I leave first; the other two need to cut the :15 second drops. The minute I get outside the Evil Voice Inside My Head says "You know they are going to call someone to get right in there and re cut your part."

I immediately called one of my friends, Camille, who is louder than the Evil Voice. Camille hates the Evil Voice and is trying to get me to make E.V. move out.

I'm thinking about it.

You gotta have friends 9

Make time to acknowledge the amazing people in your life. You are richer in spirit because of those special folks who took the time to teach you something crucial when you needed it most. Now it's your turn to return the favor by thanking your friends and going out of your way to impart a bit of your wisdom to someone else.

This is very interesting; I started an essay today for Strut; the next issue they are accepting submissions for is Everyday Magic and I decided to write about my magical friends. I'm so grateful for each and every one of them. I wish I could return the favor with a bit of wisdom to impart to someone else.

How's this? - Try not to panic.

I know. Not so great.

Would you like fries with that future? 2

You can have absolutely everything you want from the higher-ups. They'll be happy to support and advise you, and tip you on how to get where you want to go.

This is exactly the kind of horoscope I don't need. My friend Karen and I were just talking last week about our unwarranted optimism. Every time we answer the phone or get the mail there's always that hope that something unexpected - and wonderful - will show up.

And I felt it again today. That ridiculous sense of Everything is Going to Turn Out Fine. As hard as I am on myself, and there is no bigger critic than I, there is still a part of me that believes I CAN make a documentary and I CAN host a TV show, and I CAN get an agent and I CAN write lots more books.

So, higher-ups, wherever you are, whoever you are - these are the places I want to go. Any support, advice, and tips on how to get there are greatly appreciated.

The problem, or one of them anyway, is too much communication; my cell phone is glued to me, I check my email at least 10 times a day, and the decibel level of the ring on my house phone is set at Rock Concert. I also have an answering machine AND voice mail AND call waiting. It's too easy to get a hold of people these days, they might as well be sitting in your living room waiting for you to strike up a conversation.

So, when someone doesn't strike up a conversation OR continue with their side of the conversation you have started, well...it feels like you are being snubbed. I have started countless conversations all over the freakin' city and all I've got is the equivalent of people sitting across the room from me, staring at me blankly.

Have you read The Telephone Call by Dorothy Parker? It's a brilliant short story. I reread it over lunch in my copy of The Portable Dorothy Parker. It's told from the perspective of a nameless young woman who is waiting for her beau to call her; she is by turns pleading, angry, sad, bereft, joyous and desperate.

I know just how she feels.

OMG!!! Just as I was reading this over for typos before posting I got a call from the talent agency where I did the voiceover audition last week (see Wednesday June 18) and I GOT THE PART!

Now I'm REALLY freaked! Especially since I am cutting it tomorrow morning at 9 am. Usually on Tuesdays I have to pick up Daughter from skating in Farmington at 8:40 am, but tomorrow there is no skating!

I really don't see why the Universe doesn't try to make me happy more often. I'm like a puppy; one kind word and I'm on my back waiting for my tummy to be tickled.

Beep Beep 2

You're due for some recognition -- and for that, it's definitely about time. Money comes from new business or small gambles.

I have never felt so invisible. I feel like I have nothing interesting to say or to offer. I'm just waiting to hear -- from anybody! Agents, editors, bosses, investors -- Bueller? Bueller?

No money, no new business, no gambles - big or small.

This is when it's hardest to feel positive - when there's really absolutely no reason to do so. No feedback, no bites, no interest. Who am I if I can't make people notice me? I've made a career out of it and now it seems I've lost the ability.

Maybe this is the me I need to make peace with - the me that no one notices. But if no one notices me do I even exist?

I must exist - I'm getting annoyed with the idiot neighbor who apparently needs to keep testing the remote lock on his car by hitting the button every 5 seconds. When you hear the beep your car is locked! Go in the house! Don't make me come out there!

I'm feeling better already.

I walk the line 3

It will be easier than ever to reclaim your balance as the Moon moves through stabilizing Capricorn today. Wearing blue will sharpen your mental agility when making a proposal or debating an important issue tonight.

Was I feeling more balanced today? I guess. Definitely feeling less panicky - though I have no logical reason to stop panicking. By all rights I should be freaking out. I've had no responses to the resumes I sent out, and the only response to the essays I sent out was rejection (and yet I managed to be thrilled - I'm like that obnoxious kid in the 3rd grade, just looking for ANY kind of attention).

I'm wearing blue jeans tonight, but haven't really done anything that requires mental agility, unless you count negotiating with Son to eat the carrots AND the fish sticks. It wasn't really negotiating as much as it was threatening, and I can do that in my sleep.

Singing my own praises 7

Today's outgoing Sagittarius Full Moon falls in your 10th House of Career, revealing how your emotions can positively impact your professional life.

Interesting. Spent the morning being grateful for my awesome friends and writing another essay - that no one will probably buy. Was forced out of the house this afternoon to drive Son to a playdate and since I was out, dropped off headshots and resumes at local casting agencies. Might as well look for more opportunities to show off my bad acting skills! When I stopped at one, where I've been signed for nearly 20 years, the agent said, "Can you wait a few minutes?" I could (Son at playdate, Daughter glued to new Birthday Laptop) and did and when she came back she had a voiceover audition for me that had just come in. Since I didn't know it was coming I didn't have time to get nervous or worried and I think it may be the best voiceover audition I've ever had.

Light green candles to access the gentle, loving vibes of Venus as it sails into Cancer today. This aspect will also inspire your artistic side, so set aside time this evening to paint, write or sing.

I decided to write instead of sing. I don't know if you are grateful, but my family sure is.

REJECTED BY THE BEST

I recently submitted an essay to Hallmark Magazine and got a lovely email from Executive Editor Helen Rogan who rejected the essay but called my writing "smart and funny" (insert blushing and false modesty here). In an effort to figure out what Hallmark WOULD like to receive (Ms. Rogan also encouraged me to send in something again) I checked out the mag's website and discovered Ms. Rogan's blog, Life Lines, which I am ashamed to admit I had not read before. It is now a fixture in my recommended websites below. The Queen of Smart and Funny Writing called MY writing "smart and funny!" It's like Cindy Crawford just told me, "You know, you could be a model."

I have never been so excited to be rejected.

Would you like a little Muzak while you're waiting? 2

Mercury, the planet of communications, turns direct on June 19. It's time to get back into full swing, finishing projects that may have been on hold either due to fuzziness of mind, unforeseen delays or someone's non-committal behavior. The barriers should now be lifted and the path to progress is clear. It's also the perfect time to start fresh. So whether you want to move ahead with a business venture, a creative project, a relationship or anything else, get going! Cosmically, there's nothing stopping you!

So THAT's been the problem, I've been cosmically on hold. Does that mean on Friday all the people I've approached about funding the documentary are suddenly going to return my calls? Are these people all aware that the cosmic gates are being lifted and it's time to get in touch with me? I hope they are reading their horoscopes, and I hope they read something like

It's time to find that underdog with a creative project and do everything you can to help her.

I don't feel like the cosmos has been what's holding me back. I know I've been holding me back, and I know I married a realist who is getting tired of funding all my crazy ideas. I don't blame him. Our children are going to need to go to college and I keep begging for more time saying "This one's it! I just know it!"

I don't know it.

I wish he believed in me half as much as my friends do. They make me feel invincible, incredibly talented, and funny as hell. One thing I KNOW I do really well is choose friends and if I could make a career out of that I'd be rich. Really, I am rich. Who could ask for anything more than a group of people who will read your whiny blog and send you Cheer Up and Think Positive You Talented Be-yotch emails?

And lest anyone start creating a Husband Voodoo Doll; the man has been very supportive. He's ready to do whatever it takes to help me get a real job.

Speaking of real jobs ... here's another 'scope for today ...

Someone at work has a crush on you, and it will be easy to tell who if you just open your eyes! Whether you choose to respond or not, this will be great for your ego.

I don't want a real job. Except - if I get one - maybe someone there will have a crush on me! Oh, the possibilities!

Universe, you are a tease.

Astrological Tantrum 0

Every now and then, you're in the perfect astrological position to make your dreams come true. This is your time. All you have to do is stop searching. Let things unfold as they will. You can't help but find the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

OK, Universe, I don't mean to sound doubtful, but the only thing I'm in the perfect position for is another panic attack. And haven't I had this one before? I think I need to go back through my 'scopes and check for repeat offenders.

This Astrology.com daily horoscope is anything but daily. Sure it arrives in my inbox every day; it comes with four different mini-scopes - an overview, love, energy and career, with a date above each for the time period it covers. It's kind of like a horoscope-biorhythm combination. So the date for the 'scope above(Overview) is March 21-August 5. So, again, not trying to be doubtful here, but not really seeing any dreams coming true. In fact, there is a part of me that thinks I need to grow up and give up on my dreams. I'm always a step behind. I just finished a great book - Bitter is the New Black by Jennifer Lancaster - who was not a writer and had no dreams to be one until she was unemployed and started a blog to work her snarky out - and it's not that I don't wish her success, because I do, but one of the reasons I read this book is because a friend told me "Oh my God, she writes just like you!" Then why don't I have a book deal? And there is not a week that goes by without someone asking me if I've voiced one commercial or another. There is a woman out there somewhere who sounds JUST LIKE ME who is making a freakin' fortune.

Have I not worked hard enough? Do I not want it bad enough? Where is the end of MY freakin' rainbow? Seriously, I'm ready. I will be mean and sarcastic, I'll neglect my family, I'll do whatever it takes but all you, Universe, can tell me to do is STOP SEARCHING? Well, I've been trying that too. I've stopped searching so much that I'm practically curled up in a fetal ball. Today I cried so much that I'm still dehydrated.

Now you want me to believe that I'm halfway across the rainbow, that if I wait patiently, without searching, until August 5 that my dreams will come true. Pardon me for needing a little proof. I've always needed feedback. That's why I have a writing PARTNER. I'm tired of being jealous and worried and seeing something shiny and getting all excited that it's my promised pot of gold only to find out that it's...a shiny piece of crap.

Don't promise what you can't deliver, Universe.

Scraping up a storm 6

Although your heart may not be in the work you must do today, you have the ability to concentrate on what must be done. Be careful, for you might commit so much energy to your chores that you ignore the more social aspects of getting along with others.

Spent the afternoon scraping the moss from between the stones of our brick paver patio. I guess you could say my heart wasn't really in it. It started out social, with all of us out there with some kind of tool, scraping away, but then Daughter saw that it was going to rain and wanted to fill up water balloons for her big birthday party tomorrow night, and Son just gave up and sat on a bench and watched. A sudden rainstorm impeded our progress, but it left as quickly as it arrived and Husband and I were back at it, having been ditched by our offspring. Husband put down new sand filler in the cracks and I have to admit that I had my doubts about how it would look - I'm pretty sure he didn't read the directions - but it ended up looking pretty good.

My back is killing me now. I'm pretty sure my physical therapist would not be thrilled that I spent the afternoon on my hands and knees scraping and then sweeping. I'm trying to be still, and hoping that I didn't damage it beyond the repair a night's rest can bring.

After dinner I began the process of creating a watermelon cake for daughter's luau party. We found this recipe last summer and it is too cute for words. You add cherry koolaid to a white cake mix, use chocolate chips for seeds (the recipe calls for raisins - um, no) and bake it in a bowl. Then you use green food coloring in the frosting and to create the watermelon pattern. With nearly 30 guests planned I am making two cakes and am hoping that it looks like someone cut a watermelon in half and laid them flat-side-down and not like two large, green breasts.

Wrong shirt, no service 2

To make the most of today, dress in pink, focus on nurturing yourself, and indulge in your favorite creative activities.

I guess I didn't make the most of today; got up early and drove Daughter, her freestyle skating coach, and another skater to a competition in Ann Arbor. Left the house at 9 this morning and didn't get home until 9 pm. I am exhausted, I didn't wear pink, and I certainly didn't indulge in any of my favorite creative activities.

We had four hours to kill between events (next year - if there is a next year - NO jumps!) so we went out to lunch and then to the mall. I found a bookstore and picked up a copy of a reportedly hysterical and highly recommended book. I need to get my funny back. I feel like I haven't been funny in ages. I've been caring, considerate, organized, determined, depressed, maternal, and exhausted, but I haven't been funny. And now I'm too tired to even try.

And, before you say it, let me. I'll always be funny ... looking.

Whoa, Trigger! 10

An uncharacteristic jumpiness that goes beyond free-floating anxiety is hard to shake today. You feel like a trigger that's ready to fire at the slightest little provocation. But you will feel even worse if you do lose your temper.

I was so anxious and jumpy all day that I finally broke down and cleaned the refrigerator, vacuumed, then lifted weights in the basement. And I probably did yell at the kids, or get close to it. I hate this feeling - and there's no way to get rid of it but to burn it off.

I don't even know why I was anxious all day. But I couldn't work on anything. Tried printing out my resume and the printer didn't work. Finally got the printer working and started to staple the resume to the back of my headshot and realized the paper is too big and will have to be trimmed down. That's when I gave up and started attacking appliances.

Tomorrow I plan to call some of my Pisces friends and see if they were jumpy all day too. If it was all of us, well, that's a lot of car accidents just begging to happen.

Freak-O-Scope - 0

It's said all our ancestors are still alive, inside ourselves. Remember the people you call wacky, who at least partially inform you who you are now. You may find yourself saying, oh, that's where that came from!

This is the kind of horoscope that gives Astrology a bad name. If some unfortunate Pisces picked today to start reading her horoscope she is probably still quivering in a corner.

I HAD to do a Google search: typed in "ancestors alive inside yourself" and came up with a blog dedicated to the god of truth: Shiva, a sacred Andean journey site, and found out that the Los Angeles Times runs the same horoscope as the Detroit Free Press.

I like the idea that some Pisces in Los Angeles who is maybe waiting to hear about a part in a movie, or whether they got into film school, or if their pilot got picked up for the season is trying to interpret the same cryptic messages that I am. Vanessa Williams (Ugly Betty) shares my birthday and I can't help but wonder if she glanced at her 'scope this morning and thought "What the ?" just like I did.

My Google search also brought up Native America poetry (why did I feel the need to capitalize that?), and a study on the psychology of advertising. I guess nothing is safe from advertising, not even dead ancestors. Of course I shouldn't talk - I'm the one who is trying to get Daughter's skating team sponsored so my monthly bill is only $1.

Why don't men think skating is a sport?

I know I'm off on a tangent here, but really - I have tried to figure skate. It's HARD. Daughter's team practices are 2-2 1/2 hours long and end with laps and drills and suicides - on skates! I remember playing basketball in high school and being exhausted at the end of a practice and can't imagine what it would have felt like to do suicides while trying to balance myself on two thin blades the entire time. Now I'm getting preachy, but I'm hoping that's what the documentary will show - what great athletes these girls really are.

Whew. Can't believe that diatribe came from "our ancestors are alive, inside ourselves" .... unless one of my ancestors was a soap box preacher! THAT could explain a lot.

I intend to find out my intention - 1

You may feel so funny about your true intentions that you keep them a secret, even from yourself. Admit what you really want and the people who can provide it magically appear on the scene.

Not only have I kept my true intentions a secret from myself ..... I am not telling! I've tried bribing me, threatening me, cajoling me, everything. But I am not spilling my secrets. Not even to myself.

I always thought an intention you was something you did, or meant to do. But I guess it's really more like a plan. My intention is to...

I intend to...

Nope. There's no getting it out of me. I am a vault.

Well, I know what I really want. I want someone to invest in the documentary so I can get to work on it. I'm scared to death and I know it will be a lot of hard work and I'm worried that Daughter won't pass her tests and even got rostered on the darn team and I can't get the website working like I want and I don't feel capable enough or smart enough or experienced enough but I WANTWANTWANTWANTWANTWANTWANT to do it.

So I guess I'm just waiting for someone to magically appear. (Though I have to admit that a production crew and a cool team have already magically appeared. Why am I doubting the money? Because I always doubt the money.)

Hopefully, whoever they are, they will be magically delicious!

Audition Update #1 (see previous post)

The room was filled with men auditioning for the roles of security guard and TV reporter, even a local sports anchor was there! The only other woman was a former girlfriend of my husband's. Isn't irony fabulous? I plan to adopt her as my new friend just to freak him out.

The minute I stood in the front of the camera my hands started shaking and the words I had so eloquently repeated into the remote control yesterday (while pretending it was a microphone. Much more realistic than a hairbrush) in my bedroom came running and screeching out of my mouth like pigs loosed from a pen.

I barely remember what the casting director said, though she was very nice. I do remember she said somebody was pretty, though I don't know if she was referring to me or herself.

Do not leave the house 6

Home is where the heart is. Family members and home-based activities may bring the greatest joy as this week unfolds. An attempt on your part to prove your independence could cause a reversal of fortune.

Oooh, I do not like the sound of this. The home part is fine. I'm a Homebody and I'm not ashamed to admit it. The kids only have a day and a half of school left, and our summer schedule doesn't really start until next week. And with the price of gas over $4/gallon, we'll be sticking around the house this week even if we hadn't planned to.

It's funny, my kids are just like me. Husband was golfing today and after the kids ate lunch I said, "Who wants to go to the swim club?" They shrugged. "Nah." They played Uno and then fed their Webkinz on the computer. I must have the most boring children .... ever.

Son was devastated yesterday when he realized he had lost the whip that belonged to his Lego Indiana Jones. He's been carrying that thing around in his pocket since he got it a week and a half ago and I can't believe he's managed to hang onto all the tiny detachable parts until now. This morning he found the webs from his Spiderman Lego's, hooked them together, and gave them to Lego Indy. The whip that Lego Indy came with was a precoiled brown prop; now Lego Indy is armed with a string 6 times longer than he is tall, and he can actually whip things. Son spent the afternoon making Lego Indy knock down all the other Lego characters with a whip. Complete with sound effects. Pshsh! (Is there a standard format for phonetically writing down the sound that a whip makes?)

So I'm fine with the home-based activities but worried about the attempt to prove my independence. Tomorrow is my audition for the ABC pilot, and while I wasn't really counting on getting it I certainly don't want to hear that it will result in a reversal of fortune! Like my audition will be so bad that not only will I not get the part but the director is going to demand $697 (scale) for being forced to watch me.

Could he do that?

If anybody's interested (that's an inside joke, I hope some of you are laughing) I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Who's afraid of the unemployed wolf? - 2

Wear or carry jet or onyx stones to eliminate any fears you have about the future, as they'll increase your faith that everything is unfolding according to a higher plan. An amazing secret will be revealed to you under tonight's Cancer Moon, and it will change your view of someone considerably.

So THAT was the problem today.... no jet or onyx stones. Because I was not eliminating fears about the future AT ALL! In fact, I'm pretty sure what I was doing can only be described as panicking. How will I pay for skating? Who will invest in my documentary? I have no freakin' skills, how can I ever find a JOB?

I was in such panic-mode this morning that I actually scoured the Help Wanted sections of two papers. This is what was available: Accountant, Graphic Designer, Sales, Tree Climber. Oh, and Dental Hygienist, which is ridiculous because I won't even put my hands into my own mouth. I can handle broken arms, gaping wounds, and projectile vomit but loose teeth FREAK ME OUT.

My dad's Body Phobia is blood. I didn't know this until I got my tonsils out when I was 18 and a freshman in college. My tonsils had been rotten for years (don't ask) and I finally had them out between semesters, right after Christmas. On New Year's Eve I ended up spitting up blood and my mother insisted on taking me to the ER. My father thought we were overreacting. Unfortunately, he was wrong. My throat was basically.... - well, they cauterized it (which is like having skin seared shut with a curling iron). I didn't even make it to the parking lot before I was spitting up blood again and ended up having emergency surgery and stitches put into my throat.

OMG - you totally didn't need to know all this.

All you needed to know is my dad felt so guilty (about the overreacting accusation) that when I woke up the next morning he was sitting beside me in the hospital room holding a terrarium and looking very concerned.

Which would have been a really great father/daughter moment if I hadn't immediately started barfing up all the blood that had been leaking into my stomach from the bad tonsillectomy.

I have never seen my father move so fast. He ran from the room so quickly that I wasn't sure he'd really even been there. The terrarium was my only clue.

My daughter has the same phobia, btw, which I totally don't get. But if you start talking about paper cuts around her she gets pale and nearly passes out. It's hard not to mess with that.

Boy, I really digressed, didn't I?

But no amazing secrets tonight, either. The most "secret" thing I learned is that Husband comes home really sweaty and disgusting after double header softball games. I'm pretty sure that - before tonight - that was only a secret to him.

"I want it now!" - (Veruca Salt )- 5

What you want will quickly become yours. This is not always a good thing. What's attractive at a distance can have a different look when it's brought in close. So choose carefully now.

How quickly? I don't care what it looks like when it gets here - I will deal with it then. I know what I want and I want it now.

Seeds of intention planted today can take a couple of weeks to mature.

OK, Gemini Moon, I know that you are dual-natured, but really...enough with the mixed messages. And the seeds have already been planted, I know what I'm growing. I'm aware I might get grape tomatoes instead of heirloom, but that's a risk I'm willing to take. Just show me the damn tomatoes!

Will it fit in a cupholder? 5

Meditate under the Gemini Moon to discover a quicker path to your dreams, and expect to receive ideas about a few new goals you'd like to add to your list.

I would LOVE a quicker path to my dreams. In fact, I'm on the hunt for the Ambien of Goal Manifestation. Make it happen faster, faster, faster!! I'm ready to do the work right now, bring on the money, the accolades, the glory!

But more goals? Seriously. I haven't achieved the goals I set in Kindergarten yet and I've only accrued more each year. I feel like Earl with the damn list. Doesn't he seem like he should be done with it by now? But he keeps adding more things to it - and that is when I want to scream at the television "See! You are STILL a dumb ass! Stop adding more and you'll be done!"

So while I love receiving ideas.... and I do, I'm a HUGE fan of ideas.... I am at capacity. There is no more room in my head, no more time in my day.

But I will make you a deal, Gemini Moon (you again?), here is your challenge: send me an idea I can accomplish while carpooling to skating and I'll do it.

P.S. I didn't get any ideas last night. Though I have to admit that "meditation" was really me just lying there with my eyes closed until I fell asleep. But while I was sleeping my friends were getting ideas for me and they were all waiting for me in my email inbox this morning. Very sneaky, Gemini Moon, very sneaky!

I'll have the chocolate torte - 4

Use the empowering rays of the Leo Moon to peruse all the new opportunities the Universe has been offering you all week.

I don't know if I have opportunities or just potential opportunities. Or do the potentials count as opportunities? I got a call for an audition this week - is that an opportunity I'm supposed to be perusing? And what are the others? I got the "opportunity" to clean the house, but that's pretty much a given. I did get some info on submitting columns to a syndicate from my good friend Jeanine (who just landed her first column - guess I should listen to her).

How does one know what to peruse? It's not like all my options were offered up on a menu or a dessert tray.

Column - $7.50
Column with Syndication - $12.50
Role in a TV pilot - $15.00.

And get this - I just got my June Forecast:

It's June, the month of leaves and roses, and it's time to take a look at what the month holds for us astrologically.

On June 19, Mercury finally turns direct. Communication becomes less confusing and making decisions should longer be such a battle. The time is perfect to communicate all of your great ideas! Uranus, however, turns retrograde on June 26. When Uranus turns retrograde, expect the unexpected. This is a time of surprising events, and things probably won't go as planned. Embrace changes as they occur and be flexible.

This bothers me on several levels, the first being that June is the "month of leaves and roses." Really? Leaves? Since when? I'm pretty sure that most of the leaves got here in May and are sticking around until September/October - why does June get to claim them?

And notice how subtle the writer is about saying that communication and decision-making are going to suck until the 19th. And then the time limit! OK, get your ideas out there from the 20th-25th or things probably won't go as planned! It's like the month of June is having the opposite of a menstrual cycle. Instead of 5 days on you have 5 days off. 5 days out of the whole month to get stuff done!

I have a lot to do this month, dammit. I can't just take the month off or pussyfoot around because Uranus has it's undies in a bunch.

Yes, I meant to say that.